So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
