the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
