At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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