For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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