Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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