she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
