saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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