I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
