Jerry, you need to find god
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
