dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
