he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
