im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
