Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
