Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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