ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
