yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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