girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
