I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
