Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
