you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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