This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
