He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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