My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
