i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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