The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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