I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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