I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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