I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
