I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
