theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
