Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Terrible idea I love it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
