I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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