I am puke
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
