so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
