I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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