I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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