you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
