So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
