Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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