The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
