the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
