.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
