my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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