I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
