my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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