I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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