I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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