Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
