I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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