Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
