if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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