Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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