I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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