Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
