Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's rum buckets o'clock
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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