I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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