all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
