Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
